One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned as a leader is that tension often arises not from what people do, but from what we expect them to do. This gap between expectations and reality can create frustration, miscommunication, and missed opportunities—not because the person in question lacks value, but because we, as leaders, are struggling to adapt our expectations to fit the reality of what they have to offer.
It’s a challenge I first faced in a deeply personal way. I had been working with someone (an acupuncturist, in this case) whose approach didn’t align with my preferences or expectations. Over time, I found myself desperately trying to adjust to match her methods. I stopped asking questions, suppressed my natural tendencies, and ignored my unmet needs simply to keep the relationship intact. But the more I resisted reality, the harder it became to appreciate what was right in front of me. I was too caught up in the gap between how I imagined the experience should be and the reality of how it was.
The truth is, this experience mirrors something I see time and time again in leadership. We often enter relationships with our teams full of expectations about how things “should” unfold. We assume how someone will meet deadlines, think through problems, or handle conflict. But then, reality sets in. We may discover their approach is different than ours, or that their skills are strong in some areas but not in others. If we’re not careful, our unmet expectations can turn into frustration, leaving us stuck in resistance rather than cultivating understanding.
Navigating the Gap Between Expectations and Reality
This isn’t just a convenience problem; it’s a leadership challenge. The ability to bridge this gap is what separates effective leaders from those who micromanage or alienate their team members. Here’s how leaders can shift their mindset and approach to better lead through this tension:
- Recognize Reality Without Judgment
First, take a step back and evaluate the situation as it is. Resist the urge to focus on what’s missing compared to your expectations. Instead, ask, “What is this person
really bringing to the table?” Everyone has their own unique way of adding value, but if we’re only measuring them against a narrow standard, we may miss their contributions entirely.
- Practice Empathy and Understanding
It’s important to remember that each person operates within their own constraints, skills, and perspectives. Just as much as you feel tension from the gap, they may feel inadequate trying to meet unspoken expectations. Open the lines of communication. Ask thoughtful questions like:
- “What support do you need to succeed?”
- “What’s your preferred way of tackling this type of challenge?”
These conversations create space for growth and collaboration rather than frustration.
- Focus on Strengths, Not Shortcomings
When reality doesn’t match expectations, the initial instinct is often to “fix” what’s lacking. But leadership is not about molding people into your image; it’s about identifying and leveraging the strengths they already possess. A shift in focus from limitations to possibilities creates a more positive and productive dynamic.
- Adapt Your Expectations
Flexibility is one of the most underrated leadership traits. It’s easy to hold tight to how we think things should be—but true growth often happens when we allow ourselves to adjust. Adapting doesn’t mean lowering your standards; it means being open to alternative ways of reaching the same goal. Flexibility gives people room to show up authentically while still contributing to the bigger picture.
- Release Control and Empower Ownership
Great leaders know when to step back. By releasing some control and allowing team members room to solve problems their way, you shift from frustration to empowerment. This injects trust into the relationship and often yields creative solutions you may not have considered.
The Leadership Mindset Shift
Ultimately, the gap between expectations and reality isn’t just a challenge for leaders; it’s an opportunity. It invites us to deepen our understanding, adjust our approach, and lead with greater empathy and effectiveness. The work of a leader isn’t to conform the people around us to our expectations but to draw out their best work by meeting them where they are.
The more leaders can lean into this practice, the more they’ll see their teams thrive—not because everyone is perfect, but because everyone is allowed to be fully themselves. And in that space, the reality of what they have to offer has room to flourish, becoming more powerful than any expectation could have imagined.
Here’s to your greatness,
Misti Burmeister