Giving an apology can be one of the toughest things we do as leaders, especially when our actions or words have caused someone else frustration or hurt. Yet, the ability to apologize effectively is also one of the most powerful ways to build trust, repair relationships, and grow as individuals.
I recently had an experience that reminded me of just how important a meaningful apology can be—not only to the person receiving it but also to the person giving it. After a feedback conversation with someone I’ve worked with for several months didn’t go as planned, I found myself reflecting on my role in the situation. What followed was an apology that I hoped would provide clarity, acknowledgment, and restoration to both of us.
Here’s what happened, what I learned, and how you can apply the same principles in your leadership and relationships.
The Backstory
After working with a talented and creative individual on my social media for several months, I began noticing mistakes in the work. Tensions came to a head when a piece of content went live that didn’t align with my brand. Frustrated, I called her to address the issue.
But instead of approaching the conversation with empathy and curiosity, I came from a place of irritation. What I intended as constructive feedback ended up feeling more like criticism. The conversation was met with defensiveness, and ultimately, our working relationship came to an end.
That night, as I replayed the conversation in my mind, I realized I’d fallen short of the leadership principles I try to practice. The next morning, I wrote this text to her in an effort to take responsibility and repair some of the damage.
The Apology
Here’s the exact message I sent to her:
I want to take a moment to apologize…
It is my practice to assume the best in every person that I interact with, and I didn’t do that with you yesterday. I have known from the very beginning that neither of us are hugely detail-oriented people, though we are both very creative. I feel like my frustration yesterday had more to do with a lack of process/structure on my end. And so unfortunately, I slipped into frustration with you, rather than frustration with a lack of a clear process for my social media. It can be so easy to look at people as problems, rather than processes as problems. I wish I had asked better questions. Unfortunately, I did not, and for this, I ask for your forgiveness.
For as long as I do this work, I am certain I will have plenty of opportunities to make mistakes, and then remember the things I teach.
You are a beautiful and talented person, and I want to thank you for all that you’ve done to help me, including learning just how important it is to have a process in place. As much as I do not like to create processes because I would rather they just be created all by themselves :-), I can see this is where I have opportunity for improvement.
Working with you has been a real blessing, and I will be forever grateful for it. Thank you!
Her response?
Good morning Misti! I absolutely loved working with you despite everything. I can’t thank the man above enough for you and everything you’ve taught me! Grateful isn’t even the word!
This exchange was a reminder that even when relationships change or end, there’s always an opportunity to leave them on a note of respect and gratitude.
Breaking Down the Key Elements of an Effective Apology
Apologizing isn’t just about saying, “I’m sorry.” A genuine apology takes courage, humility, and thoughtfulness. Here’s how I approached my apology and the four key elements that made it meaningful.
1. Take Responsibility
The foundation of any apology is owning your role in what went wrong. This means resisting the temptation to shift blame or justify your actions.
In my message, I acknowledged that my frustration had been misplaced. Instead of blaming her, I admitted that the real issue was the lack of a clear process on my end. Taking responsibility for your actions and decisions shows self-awareness and accountability, two traits that build trust and respect.
Tip for Leaders: When taking responsibility, be specific. Clearly articulate what you did or didn’t do that contributed to the situation.
2. Express Empathy
An apology is as much about the other person’s experience as it is about your actions. Empathy means acknowledging how your actions may have affected them and validating their feelings.
I admitted that I hadn’t assumed the best in her during our conversation, which goes against one of my core leadership principles. By pointing this out, I hoped to show her that I understood how my approach might have hurt or frustrated her.
Tip for Leaders: Empathy doesn’t mean taking responsibility for things beyond your control. It simply means recognizing the other person’s perspective and emotions.
3. Acknowledge the Impact
It’s not enough to say what went wrong; you also need to show that you understand why it mattered. Acknowledging the impact of your actions demonstrates that you’ve reflected on the situation and its consequences.
I highlighted that my lack of process had led to frustration—not just for me but likely for her as well. This helped to frame the apology within the larger context of the challenges we were both facing.
Tip for Leaders: Be honest about the ripple effects your actions may have caused, but focus on solutions and moving forward.
4. Commit to Improvement
An apology should always include a commitment to do better in the future. It’s an opportunity to turn a mistake into a learning moment and to show the other person that you’re taking steps to grow.
I acknowledged my need to improve by creating better processes for my work. By tying my apology to a concrete action, I hoped to reinforce my commitment to growth—not just for myself but also for the people I work with.
Tip for Leaders: Follow through on the commitments you make in your apology. Actions speak louder than words, and lasting change comes from consistent effort.
Why Apologies Matter in Leadership
Why Apologies Matter in LeadershipApologizing isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. It shows that you’re willing to reflect, learn, and take responsibility when things go wrong. For leaders, the ability to apologize is essential to building trust, fostering collaboration, and creating a culture of accountability.
At the end of the day, we’re all human. We make mistakes. But when we own those mistakes and take steps to address them, we create opportunities for growth—not just for ourselves but for everyone around us.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve struggled with making an apology in the past, I encourage you to reflect on these four elements. Taking responsibility, expressing empathy, acknowledging impact, and committing to improvement can transform an apology from a simple “I’m sorry” into something truly meaningful.
For me, this experience was a powerful reminder of the kind of leader I strive to be. Leadership isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being willing to admit when you’re wrong and staying committed to learning and improving.
To anyone reading this, I leave you with this question: How will you approach your next apology?
Here’s to leading with humility, learning from every experience, and building stronger connections along the way.