Most leaders don’t wake up asking whether they’re abusing power.
They ask something quieter and more practical: Is how I’m using my position creating trust—or tension?
Am I creating clarity—or compliance?
Capacity—or control?
Commitment—or quiet withdrawal?
One way to understand the difference is through a simple distinction:
Power over
vs.
Power with
Both can produce results.
Only one produces trust.
Here are a few ways to tell which one you’re using—without relying on surveys or performance metrics.
What happens to the room when you enter?
Power over tightens the room.
Power with settles it.
You’re not looking for enthusiasm or agreement. You’re looking for regulation. Do people exhale—or brace?
What do people bring you without being asked?
Power over receives polish.
Power with receives truth.
Do people bring unfinished thinking, early concerns, and mistakes before they become crises—or only what’s safe, tidy, and already solved?
Where does energy get stuck?
Power over creates bottlenecks.
Power with distributes capacity.
If everything needs your approval, your hierarchy isn’t functioning—it’s constricting.
When something goes wrong, what travels upward?
Power over produces silence.
Power with produces contact.
Do people hide errors—or come find you?
What do people become around you?
Power over makes people smaller.
Power with makes people more themselves.
More honest.
More curious.
More willing.
Or more careful.
More compliant.
More quiet.
The body never lies about this.
What does your own body do in authority?
Power over requires vigilance.
Power with allows steadiness.
If you’re constantly braced, over-explaining, or over-functioning, your hierarchy may not feel safe—even to you.
Leadership—and authority of any kind—was never meant to cost your nervous system.
If you want one question to carry with you, make it this:
Am I using my position to control outcomes—or to stay in relationship while we move?
Because hierarchy isn’t the problem.
Hierarchy stops working when it shifts from power with to power over.
And when that happens, people don’t usually rebel.
They withdraw.
Looking to deepen the conversation?
Misti Burmeister speaks to leaders and teams about trust, communication, and the human dynamics that shape real performance. Her work helps people notice what’s happening beneath the surface—so better decisions, stronger relationships, and healthier cultures can emerge.
If you’re exploring a speaker for an upcoming event, workshop, or retreat, Misti would love to connect.
Reach out: [email protected]
Here’s to your Greatness,
Misti
Misti Burmeister is a leadership coach, speaker, and writer with more than 20 years of experience helping leaders improve communication, accountability, and self-leadership. Her work focuses on uncovering the hidden dynamics that shape behavior and restoring clarity before breakdowns occur.