Have you ever wanted to give someone feedback — but didn’t, because it felt too uncomfortable?
Maybe you didn’t want to hurt their feelings.
Maybe you were afraid it would damage the relationship.
Or maybe — if you’re honest — you worried it might make your experience worse.
That was me recently.
There’s a woman I’ve been getting massages from for years. She’s exceptional — truly one of the best. But over the past few sessions, something shifted. She started sharing stories about her life — stressful ones — and as she talked, I could feel my shoulders tensing right back up.
Instead of relaxing, I was holding my breath.
At first, I told myself to just deal with it. Then I thought, Maybe it’s time to find a new therapist. Because really — who wants to give feedback while lying half-dressed on a massage table?
It felt awkward. Vulnerable. Risky.
And yet, that’s exactly the same fear many leaders face when it comes to giving feedback.
We avoid it — not because we don’t see the issue, but because we’re afraid of what might happen if we name it.
What if they take it personally?
What if their performance drops?
What if they quit?
But here’s the truth: withholding feedback doesn’t protect relationships — it weakens them.
After months of avoiding it, I finally decided to say something. I left my therapist — let’s call her Shea — a voicemail.
I started with appreciation, because it was true:
“Shea, you’re phenomenal. I’ve really appreciated every bit of what you’ve done for my body.”
Then I shared what I needed:
“It’s important for me that my massages are relaxing, and I’ve noticed it’s been hard to relax lately. Hearing about your panic attacks — it’s just not relaxing for me. I don’t mind hearing about your life, but if you could reach out before or after the session instead, that would help. Thanks so much.”
It took a few days for her to respond. And honestly, I think she needed that time to move from reactive to responsive — something we could all practice more of.
Here’s what she said:
“Hey! Absolutely! This can and is talked about being a problem in our industry. As we get comfy with clients, we share as well. I apologize that it’s impacted you negatively and thank you for the positive feedback and dialogue. Most folks would not handle things in a way like that. So, I will focus only on convos that help you, listen as you need to talk, or in those days that you ask, no convo at all. Thank you for the feedback, truly. It’ll make me reflect on convos I’m having with others too, as I’m sure you’re not the only one.”
Her response blew me away.
Not because she agreed — but because she grew from it.
And it reminded me of something essential about feedback:
We’re ready to give it when two things are true:
- We genuinely care about the person’s well-being and success.
- We’re okay with losing them if it comes to that.
Because real feedback — the kind that helps someone grow — requires love and detachment. You offer it because you care, not because you need them to like you.
Giving Shea that feedback deepened our trust. My massages are peaceful again, and she’s more aware in her work — not just with me, but with others.
Sometimes, the most caring thing we can do is tell the truth — even when it’s uncomfortable.