I remember sitting at my desk, staring at a social media post that had just gone live. It wasn’t just a little off; it completely missed the mark for my brand. Irritation surged through me as I started weaving stories about why this happened. Every reason I created painted her actions in an unflattering light.
Why is it so frustrating when people don’t deliver?
You hire someone with high hopes for what they’ll bring to your team. Then, when mistakes occur and the results fail to meet expectations, frustration sets in. It’s easy to jump to conclusions or blame the individual, but here’s the hard truth about leadership that I had to relearn that day: when things go wrong, we often fail to ask ourselves the tougher questions. What could I have done differently? What can I do moving forward to set this person up for success?
That moment pushed me to reflect on my own leadership approach and the adjustments I needed to make. If you’ve faced similar struggles, stay with me. This story will guide you through four clear principles to transform your feedback, nurture talent, and lead with greater intention.
A Leadership Lesson in Real Time
Recently, I had an experience that gave me another opportunity to relearn some valuable lessons about leadership, giving feedback, and the importance of clarity and structure. It began when I hired a young, talented woman in February to help me manage social media. While her creative abilities were obvious, it was also clear early on that being detail-oriented wasn’t her strength. Instead of moving on to someone whose skills matched my specific needs, I decided to work with what she could offer.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I found myself frustrated. Mistakes were piling up, and one in particular set me off. A post went live on my social media that completely missed the mark for my brand. It irritated me, and I knew I needed to discuss this with her.
That conversation didn’t go as I had hoped, and it touched on something deeper. It wasn’t just about the mistakes; it was about the way I approached feedback. Reflecting on it later, I realized that three leadership principles I try to live by had fallen to the wayside during our interaction. But this experience also taught me something new, adding a fourth principle to my toolkit.
Here are the lessons I’ve gained about leadership, feedback, and fostering growth.
The Best Principle
This principle is simple yet profound: everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.
When I called my assistant to discuss the post, I expected an apology for the mistakes that had been made. Instead, she grew defensive and frustrated. Her response? “I sent it to you four days before it was supposed to be scheduled, and you didn’t respond. I assumed it was fine.” And you know what? She wasn’t wrong.
I didn’t have a clear process for how posts should be reviewed and approved, nor did I respond to her email before the deadline. She made a decision based on the information and structure I had given her—which, in hindsight, was minimal at best.
If I had truly embodied the best principle during this conversation, I wouldn’t have entered it irritated by the result. I would have reminded myself that she was working within the framework I had provided. This realization highlights the importance of
empathy and curiosity in feedback. Instead of pointing out what went wrong, I could have asked, “What would make it easier for you to align posts with my branding in the future?”
Assuming the best in others can transform a conversation from confrontational to collaborative. After all, most people aren’t trying to mess up; they’re doing their best with the tools they’ve been given.
Look at Problems WITH People, Not People as Problems
One of the core principles of my leadership philosophy is addressing problems with people, not making people themselves the problem. Unfortunately, I missed the mark here too.
When I called her, I approached the situation with irritation instead of collaboration. I focused on what she had done wrong, framing her as the issue, rather than seeing it as a process we could problem-solve together. Looking back, a better approach would have been to begin with, “Here’s an issue we’re running into. How can we work together to fix this?”
By looking at the problem as a shared challenge, I could have invited her into the solution instead of putting her on the defensive. That shift changes everything. It transforms feedback from being about blame into an opportunity for growth and partnership.
Leadership requires us to zoom out and see the bigger picture. People aren’t problems to fix; they are teammates to support and empower.
The “Aha” Principle
When you’re giving feedback, the ultimate goal is to spark an “Aha!” moment—that lightbulb realization where everything clicks, and the other person responds with, “I see what you mean. I can change that.”
The problem was, I wasn’t clear enough to inspire that kind of moment. Because I hadn’t created a structured process for reviewing social media posts, I couldn’t articulate exactly what had gone wrong or what needed to change. I had vague guidance and general expectations, but nothing specific she could work with.
If I had been more prepared, I could have pointed to concrete examples and offered actionable suggestions. Something like, “Here’s what doesn’t align with my brand and why. Next time, could we try something like XYZ instead?” Clear, actionable feedback is the foundation of those “aha” moments.
Instead, I brought frustration into the conversation without clarifying exactly what needed to change. That left her feeling defensive rather than empowered to grow.
Know Your Intentions
This brings me to the fourth and newest principle I’ve learned from this experience: Know your intentions before giving feedback.
What do you want to achieve in the conversation? Are you looking to critique or collaborate? Are you trying to shift someone’s focus to their strengths, or are you simply venting frustration?
When I reflect on this situation, it’s clear that my intention wasn’t fully formed. I hadn’t stepped back to ask myself, What am I trying to achieve here? If I had, I would have recognized that my goal wasn’t to scold or critique, but to shift her focus onto tasks that aligned with her strengths.
This young woman is so gifted in creativity, especially with video and imagery. If I had approached the conversation with a clear intention of celebrating her talents and redirecting her energy into projects where she shines, the entire tone of our interaction could have been different.
Before entering a feedback conversation, take a moment to reflect on your intentions. Clarity about your goals can save everyone a lot of unnecessary frustration and pave the way for a productive, positive dialogue.
Why Clarity and Structure Matter
Ultimately, this experience also highlighted the importance of clarity and structure in leadership. I hadn’t provided her with the tools or expectations needed to succeed. Without a clear process in place for social media management, there was too much room for error and miscommunication.
Since then, I’ve begun working with a detail-oriented professional to create a defined system for social media. Structure doesn’t stifle creativity; it provides the foundation for it to thrive.
Final Thoughts
Leadership is a practice. It’s a constant balancing act of learning, adjusting, and growing. This experience, while frustrating in the moment, gave me invaluable insight into how I can show up better as a leader.
Here’s what I hope you’ll take away from my misstep:
- Assume the best in people. They’re doing the best they can with the resources they have.
- Approach problems collaboratively. Work with people, not against them.
- Be specific and actionable in your feedback to inspire “aha” moments.
- Reflect on your intentions before having tough conversations.
And don’t forget, clarity and structure are gifts you give to your team. They don’t constrain creativity; they empower it.
To all the leaders out there, I challenge you to reflect on your feedback practices. Are you leading with empathy and clarity? Are you setting people up for success? Growth isn’t always comfortable, but it’s always worth it.
Here’s to leading with intention and learning from every experience.
Here’s To Your Greatness,
Misti Burmeister