I don’t think most leaders realize how quickly obligation distorts presence. It took a $70 networking ticket for me to see it happen in real time—in myself.
A colleague invited me to an event. At the time, I didn’t realize he had personally paid the guest fee. Before I knew that, I was relaxed. I was simply there to connect with people, learn about them, and enjoy the evening.
Then I found out he had paid for my ticket… And something shifted.
The moment I realized he had spent money for me to be there, I felt like I owed him. The feeling was subtle, but immediate. Instead of simply being present, I started thinking about how I could make his investment worthwhile. Without realizing it, I stopped focusing on the people around me and started focusing on creating value for him.
A young woman approached us and began sharing the story of her grandfather’s company. He had been an Amish farmer in the 1960s who built a business that now spans multiple states. She spoke with pride about her family, the company, and her own goal of eventually becoming a plant manager.
As she talked, I noticed my mind drifting away from her story because a different conversation had started inside my head.
“Do something.
Help him get business.
Make this worth it.
After all, he paid for me to be here.”
So instead of staying curious about her experience, I redirected the conversation toward cost savings—the kind of work my colleague does. I started trying to position him and create an opportunity.
Almost immediately, I noticed her body language change. She became more guarded, and explained that they already had someone handling that area.
Rather than letting it go, I pushed once more. And then my colleague did something masterful. Without correcting me or making me wrong, he gently shifted the conversation back to her.
“So your grandfather was an Amish farmer?”
Just like that, the pressure disappeared and the conversation relaxed… She leaned back into her story. And I realized something important: He wasn’t trying to extract an opportunity… He was building a relationship.
In that moment, I saw something clearly about myself. The moment I believed that my presence alone wasn’t enough, I started performing.
I stopped listening.
I stopped connecting.
I stopped being present. Instead, I started trying to be valuable.
The truth is, leaders do this all the time. We feel indebted to investors, boards, major clients, powerful stakeholders, and sometimes even our own teams. We feel pressure to justify our position, our expertise, our compensation, or our seat at the table.
And when that pressure takes over, we begin overfunctioning.
We oversell, over explain, and insert ourselves unnecessarily… We manufacture value instead of trusting it.
What struck me most about that interaction was that my colleague never seemed burdened by any of that. He wasn’t trying to prove anything. He wasn’t chasing an opportunity. He wasn’t trying to demonstrate his expertise. He was simply interested in building a relationship with another human being. And because of that, he had access to something I didn’t in that moment…
Presence.
The most influential leaders I know aren’t constantly trying to prove their worth. They operate from a place of sufficiency. They trust that what they bring to the room is already enough. That trust allows them to stay curious, stay present, and build genuine connection.
The lesson wasn’t really about networking… It was about noticing the exact moment I moved from presence to performance. And reminding myself that the next time it happens, I have a choice.
I can perform. Or I can stay.
Looking to deepen the conversation?
Misti Burmeister speaks to leaders and teams about trust, communication, and the human dynamics that shape real performance. Her work helps people notice what’s happening beneath the surface—so better decisions, stronger relationships, and healthier cultures can emerge.
If you’re exploring a speaker for an upcoming event, workshop, or retreat, Misti would love to connect.
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Here’s to your Greatness,
Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister is a leadership coach, speaker, and writer with more than 20 years of experience helping leaders improve communication, accountability, and self-leadership. Her work focuses on uncovering the hidden dynamics that shape behavior and restoring clarity before breakdowns occur.