“I think you want to be doing all of the work.”
His words caught me off guard. We’d been talking about how to share responsibilities more effectively, and now he was suggesting that I actually wanted things this way. I felt the agitation almost immediately. My mind began assembling evidence of everything I’d done, the responsibilities I’d taken on, and the times I’d wished someone else would step forward. His assessment felt inaccurate. Dismissive, even.
A part of me wanted to shut the conversation down, but I recognized that defending myself wouldn’t help either of us understand what was happening. So instead, I asked, “Can you help me understand what you mean by that?” What followed was nearly ten minutes of discomfort. He struggled to explain his perspective, and I struggled to understand it. There were moments when it would have been easier to abandon the conversation, but I stayed curious. Eventually, I began to wonder whether his comment was pointing toward something neither of us had fully understood. Perhaps this wasn’t about my wanting to do all the work. Perhaps it was about his uncertainty over how to step into it.
When One Person Becomes the Default Owner
I’ve noticed a pattern in growing organizations and leadership teams. There’s often one person who sees what needs to happen and makes sure it gets done. They anticipate problems, move quickly, and care deeply about the outcome. When something is unclear, they don’t wait for direction. They make a decision and keep things moving.
Initially, that person is celebrated for their initiative. But as the work grows, more decisions flow through them, more unfinished tasks land on their desk, and other people begin looking to them for direction. Before long, they’ve become the default owner of work that was supposed to be shared.
Eventually, frustration develops. The person carrying the work wonders why others aren’t stepping forward, while those around them may feel there’s little room to contribute. One feels overwhelmed. Another may feel uncertain or excluded. Instead of examining the pattern, they begin making assumptions about each other.
She doesn’t know how to delegate. He doesn’t take initiative. She wants everything done her way. Sometimes those assessments contain useful information, but they rarely tell the whole story. What looks like a personality conflict may actually be a mismatch in expectations, available capacity, experience, or understanding of ownership.
What Was Happening Beneath the Words
As our conversation unfolded, I began to understand more about the constraints he was experiencing. There were financial considerations, competing demands on his energy, and areas where he didn’t yet have the experience or clarity needed to contribute in the way I’d hoped. Those constraints were real, and I hadn’t fully appreciated their impact. At the same time, I realized we’d never established a sufficiently clear understanding of what each of us could reasonably own, what success would look like, or what support might be needed.
I wondered whether his comment about my wanting to do everything was an attempt to explain a frustration he couldn’t yet articulate. Perhaps he felt there wasn’t enough room for him to contribute. Perhaps he wasn’t sure how to take on more responsibility. Or perhaps my tendency to move quickly had unintentionally communicated that I didn’t need his help. I don’t know precisely what was happening inside him. What I do know is that his statement became much more useful once I stopped treating it as a verdict about my character and started treating it as information worth exploring.
Sometimes the most useful question isn’t whether someone’s assessment of us is accurate. It’s what they’re experiencing that led them to that assessment.
The Delegation Trap
We’re often told that effective leaders need to delegate more. But delegation requires more than assigning tasks. It requires alignment around three things: capacity, standards, and ownership. Capacity is what someone can realistically contribute given their time, resources, and skills. Standards define what successful work looks like. Ownership clarifies who’s responsible for decisions, follow-through, and addressing obstacles.
When these elements aren’t clear, delegation can become frustrating for everyone. The person assigning the work
assumes expectations are obvious, while the person receiving it may be uncertain about their authority or responsibilities. One person begins checking constantly, correcting details, and stepping back into the work. The other becomes hesitant to act without approval. Eventually, both feel their assumptions have been confirmed.
See? I have to do everything myself.
See? Nothing I do is ever good enough.
Neither conclusion necessarily describes the underlying problem, but both can reinforce the behavior that created it.
The Part I Had to Examine in Myself
At one point, I said, “I don’t like doing all the work. I do it because it needs to get done.”
I meant every word. But I’ve also had to acknowledge another layer. When I’m invested in something, I anticipate what needs attention and move quickly. I don’t particularly enjoy watching important work sit unfinished, especially when I know I can do something about it.
That ability has served me well throughout my career. But it can also become a liability when I’m trying to build something other people need to own alongside me. If I consistently step in whenever there’s uncertainty, I may unintentionally remove the opportunity someone else needs to develop confidence and capability. And if I keep doing work that was supposed to belong to someone else, I can’t be surprised when the system begins depending on me.
If I want people to take ownership, I have to leave some ownership available for them to take. That doesn’t mean lowering my standards or ignoring important responsibilities. It means becoming more thoughtful about where my responsibility ends and someone else’s begins.
When Communication Isn’t Enough
Imagine a leader who repeatedly encourages her team to take initiative. She wants people to think independently, solve problems, and make decisions without waiting for permission. Yet whenever someone approaches a challenge differently than she would, she immediately steps in to correct them.
From her perspective, she’s protecting quality. From the team’s perspective, they’re learning that ownership is welcome only when their decisions match hers. Eventually, they stop taking risks and begin waiting for direction. The leader becomes frustrated by their lack of initiative, unaware that her behavior may be reinforcing it.
This is why delegation challenges can’t always be solved by another conversation about accountability. Sometimes the problem is how the work has been structured. Who owns the outcome? What decisions can they make? What support is available? When should they ask for help, and when are they expected to work through uncertainty independently?
Without answers, asking people to take ownership can become little more than asking them to guess what we want.
The Shift That Changed Our Conversation
Toward the end of our conversation, something shifted. Rather than continuing to debate whether I wanted to do all the work, we began discussing what might make it easier for him to contribute. He suggested that we meet weekly, with an agenda.
It wasn’t a dramatic breakthrough, and it didn’t resolve every challenge. But I appreciated that he was identifying a
structure that might help him engage more consistently. Instead of remaining focused on what wasn’t working, we were beginning to consider what could work differently. A weekly meeting won’t create ownership by itself. We still need to clarify responsibilities, agree on expectations, and follow through. But it gave us a place to begin. And perhaps most importantly, we’d stayed in an uncomfortable conversation long enough to discover something useful.
Is This a Delegation Problem or a Design Problem?
This experience reminded me that leadership begins before the conversation. It begins when we notice our agitation, recognize the story we’re telling ourselves, and become curious enough to consider that there may be something we don’t yet understand. I heard, “You want to do all the work,” and immediately wanted to defend myself. Had I followed that impulse, I might have missed the uncertainty and structural gaps beneath the accusation.
When ownership is unclear, the work doesn’t disappear. It usually finds the person who won’t let it drop.
If we want that pattern to change, we have to do more than ask people to step up. We have to create the clarity, support, and room for them to do so.
Here’s to your greatness,
Misti Burmeister
About Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister is an executive leadership coach, keynote speaker, and bestselling author who helps leaders communicate so people care and take ownership. Through Inspirion, she helps executives and teams navigate difficult conversations, strengthen trust, and recognize the internal reactions that undermine effective leadership. Her current body of work, Before the Reaction, explores how awareness in the moments before we respond creates greater clarity, choice, and connection.
Explore a speaking engagement or leadership conversation at MistiBurmeister.com or email [email protected].