In our go-go-go society, it’s easy to rush through conversations without stopping to consider what we’re truly trying to achieve. We often react instead of reflect, losing sight of our intentions in the process. Recently, I had an experience that underscored the importance of slowing down, being intentional, and understanding the deeper reason behind our reactions. This revelation came through a conversation with a colleague—Marie—whose sarcastic remarks made me pause and reflect.
The exchange began when Marie criticized my habit of cussing during meetings—something I hadn’t realized was such a pattern until she pointed it out. Her initial observations were laced with sarcasm and I couldn’t help but feel reactive.
“That feels like sarcasm,” I said, trying to name the tone I was picking up on.
“Well, it just sounds awful,” Marie replied with a sharpness that cut through my defenses.
“That still feels like sarcasm,” I said again. “It doesn’t feel good.”
“You don’t cuss like that when we’re talking about serious stuff,” she continued, her tone relentless in driving home her point.
Her comments stung. My immediate reaction was to defend myself. “Your approach sucks… It’s hurtful,” I responded, anger rising to the surface.
But then, I caught myself. Instead of continuing the back-and-forth, I asked a critical question that shifted everything: “What is your real intention here?”
That question stopped both of us in our tracks. Marie confessed that her goal was to make me aware of how many F-bombs I was casually dropping in a professional setting, but she admitted her delivery wasn’t ideal. “I guess I was just trying to be funny,” she said apologetically. “I’m sorry… My approach sucked.”
This moment taught me a powerful lesson about intentionality. Too often, we give feedback without clarity on
what we truly aim to accomplish. Asking, “What’s my intention?” is a game changer because it forces us to align our words and actions with our desired outcomes—not just in personal growth, but in business too.
The conversation also highlighted the importance of reactivity—for both of us. Reactivity, while often uncomfortable, is a signal that something we care deeply about has been touched. For me, my defensiveness stemmed from a desire to be liked and to secure new business opportunities. My biggest fear? That being seen as unpolished or unprofessional could jeopardize those goals. This awareness helped me realize that my reaction wasn’t just about Marie’s tone—it was about my own insecurities and my hunger for success.
On the flip side, Marie’s sarcasm reflected her care for professionalism in our shared environment. Her reaction, while poorly executed, came from a place of wanting to create better communication dynamics. Reactivity, when observed instead of judged, often holds a deeper truth about our values and priorities—and it’s a truth that can reshape not only personal interactions but professional relationships as well.
This lesson holds particular weight in the business world. End-of-year reviews, client feedback sessions, or team discussions often come loaded with reactions—both visible and invisible. Being intentional about what you want to achieve during these moments can strengthen trust, enhance collaboration, and even lead to untapped business opportunities.
For example, if you’re giving a colleague or client feedback, take a moment to ask yourself a critical question beforehand: “What outcome am I working toward?” By aligning your words with your goals, you’re not just shaping the conversation—you’re creating an environment where meaningful progress can happen.
And here’s the key—look at problems with the person, not at the person as the problem. Instead of positioning the feedback as a critique of who they are, make it about the challenge you’re working on together. Sit beside them—not literally, though sometimes that helps—and approach the issue collaboratively. Think of it as saying, “There’s a problem here that we need to solve together,” instead of, “You’re the problem.” This subtle but profound shift fosters a sense of partnership and trust, making the feedback process less about fault-finding and more about meaningful improvement.
At the same time, reactivity isn’t something to shy away from. When a team member, peer, or client reacts strongly, it’s often because the topic at hand is deeply important to them. Instead of dismissing this as negative, consider reactivity as a starting point for uncovering new possibilities—one that could lead to deeper alignment or even fresh opportunities to innovate together.
Moving forward, let’s stay committed to remaining curious instead of reactive and intentional instead of rushed. Whether it’s offering feedback or receiving it, slowing down to assess the “why” behind our words can transform sarcasm into understanding, defensiveness into dialogue, and frustration into growth.
The key takeaway here? Business relationships thrive when built on clarity and care. Before delivering feedback, think about how your words tie back to shared goals. And when met with a reactive response, use it as a bridge to understand what matters most to the other person. By collaborating on problems, you’re not just fixing an issue—you’re building a foundation for stronger, more productive working relationships.
The next time you find yourself in a moment of reactivity or feedback delivery, ask yourself two questions. First, “What is my real intention here?” And second, “What does this reaction say about what I or the other person care about?” These questions will not only clarify your purpose but also open the door to meaningful, intentional communication—and perhaps even the next big opportunity for growth.
For me, this lesson is a reminder that even sharp exchanges can lead to breakthroughs when approached mindfully. Marie and I both walked away from our conversation with a deeper understanding of each other and a greater commitment to intentionality. And that’s a win—for communication, connection, and business success.
Here’s to your greatness,
Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister helps leaders and their team have conversations they keep avoiding but need to have. For nearly 20 years, she has facilitated communication that results in trust, increasing engagement and productivity across generations. Make sure your communication is coming across the way you intend, visit https://www.MistiBurmeister.com