A few days ago, I set out walking toward a part of town where I knew there were businesses. It was a Sunday afternoon, so most places were closed. That’s why, when I noticed one garage door open at a pool company, I perked up. My first thought: the only person here on a Sunday must be the owner.
As I got closer, music was blaring from inside. To my surprise, the open garage wasn’t full of pool equipment at all. The owner had converted part of his business into a personal gym.
He was in there stretching, getting ready to work out.
Having found a deep sense of belonging through sports and gyms myself, I instantly felt at home.
We struck up a conversation. He told me about some of the pain he’d been experiencing in his body. That opened the door for me to share about the challenges I’ve been having with my lower back and the nerve pain running down my arms.
He had ideas, suggestions, tips—clearly a man who cared. And then, without hesitation, he reached for my forearm. Pressing deep into the muscle that runs into my elbow joint, he applied a staggering amount of pressure.
The pain was… impressive. I gasped for air. But I didn’t say anything.
And beneath the pain, another sensation was rising: fear. Fear that if he shifted even slightly, he might aggravate the nerve pain in a way that could linger for weeks.
Still, I stayed silent.
The next day, in a session with my therapist, I shared the story. She gently reminded me of the practice I’ve been working on: “Just describe your experience.”
Such a simple instruction. And yet, in that moment, it felt nearly impossible. Why is it so hard to just speak the truth?
Why Truth Feels Dangerous — Through the Lens of Emotional Intelligence
Here’s what I’ve been learning, and how it connects directly to emotional intelligence:
- Our nervous system doesn’t always want the truth — it wants safety. (Self-Awareness)
When someone grabs your arm or presses into your body, even kindly, a part of your system knows: this could hurt. Your body goes into survival mode. Self-awareness is about noticing those signals—tightness, fear, hesitation—before they override our ability to respond.
- The cost of authenticity often feels too high. (Self-Management)
In that moment, I didn’t want to offend him or reject his help. My inner voice whispered: Don’t ruin the vibe. Don’t be too sensitive. Self-management is the work of balancing that fear of disconnection with the courage to speak. It’s choosing presence over silence.
- We were taught to be polite, not honest. (Social Awareness)
Most of us weren’t raised to name what we feel in real time. We were raised to be agreeable. Social awareness helps us notice these cultural scripts—how we’ve been conditioned to protect others’ comfort, sometimes at the expense of our own truth.
- Describing the experience is a skill, not a trait. (Relationship Management)
What my therapist is helping me practice—simply naming what’s true in the moment—isn’t about being bold or confrontational. It’s about tending to the relationship, with myself and others. Relationship management grows stronger when we can express the truth in a way that deepens connection rather than eroding it.
Why It Matters
Elizabeth Gilbert once noted how many people in recovery have developed a remarkable ability to speak their truth in real time. It struck me: maybe the freedom they’ve found comes not from perfection, but from practicing honesty again and again.
And maybe that’s what I’m practicing too.
Because when we can tell the truth—not as performance, not with blame, but simply with presence—we no longer have to choose between safety and connection.
We can have both.
And this is what emotional intelligence really looks like in practice:
- noticing what we’re feeling,
- managing our fear,
- being aware of the unspoken dynamics around us,
- and choosing how to engage in ways that build trust.
We get better at speaking the truth, and thereby giving ourselves the greatest chance at true safety. Practice, practice, practice. When we don’t get it in the moment, we can reflect on it, share it with a trusted advisor, and build the muscles toward living in truth.
Because that’s how we grow: one rep of truth at a time.
👉 Want to keep practicing? Join us at the next L3 Leadership Lunch.
Here’s To Your Greatness,
Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister is a dynamic coach and speaker with an unparalleled ability to unlock potential and inspire transformation. Known for her energy, enthusiasm, and passion, Misti awakens thought patterns and fosters meaningful change in individuals and teams alike. With over 20 years of experience, she is celebrated for improving communication, accountability, and personal responsibility across organizations.