Have you ever stopped to think about the relationship you have with your own mind? I hadn’t either— not until a friend’s struggle with sleep provoked some fears of my own. It’s funny how someone else’s experiences can sometimes stir something so deeply within us. That’s exactly what happened to me.
A friend brought up her difficulties falling asleep, and it triggered something inside of me—a wave of obsessive thoughts that seemed to ignite the moment my head hit the pillow. I felt angry. Angry at the thoughts, angry at myself for spiraling, and angry at the fact that I couldn’t seem to turn it off. The more the night went on, the less I wanted to ever talk about it again. The avoidance, of course, didn’t make it disappear—it just made the obsession louder.
Frustrated, I ended up discussing it with my therapist. I unloaded everything—the lack of sleep, the thoughts I couldn’t outrun, my anger at the whole situation. Instead of bringing relief, the conversation left me even more stirred. The next day, I sent her a message. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I told her. “It just brings up more obsession, and exhausts me.”
That’s when she said something that forever shifted my perspective. “Misti,” she said, “when we are in effective relationships with anyone or anything, things get better.”
Defining “Effective Relationships”
Her response awoke something inside of me, and it also left me wondering—what exactly does an “effective relationship” mean? Before she could respond, I started defining it for myself.
To me, being in an effective relationship means showing up with openness, generosity, and love. That’s the kind
of relationship I strive to have with people in my life. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized something important—when it came to my own thinking, I hadn’t been open, generous, or loving at all. I had been dismissive, resistant, and—in some moments—even hostile toward my own mind. No wonder I was struggling.
If I wanted to improve my relationship with my own thoughts, I had to start by changing the way I related to them.
Shifting from Resistance to Connection
You’ve probably heard the phrase “what we resist persists.” While it’s a common saying, truly understanding it is another matter altogether. It’s one thing to intellectually acknowledge that fighting against your thoughts doesn’t work. It’s something else entirely to face those thoughts and actively choose to build a relationship with them instead.
But that’s what I’ve been learning to do—to open up to my anxious thinking that I had been trying so hard to silence. Does that mean I love the part of my brain that obsesses over every possible negative outcome? Actually… yes. I love it because that’s the part of my mind that learned to keep me safe during periods of intense trauma. It was a coping strategy, one that carried me through difficult seasons of my life. And while that strategy no longer serves me, I can choose to approach it with empathy, understanding, and acceptance.
When I reflected further, I realized something even deeper. The way I had been relating to my obsessive thoughts—pushing them away, trying to shut them down, refusing to listen—was similar to the way others treated me when I was scared as a child. That recognition stirred something inside of me. I realized that I have the privilege, now, to break the cycle.
I get to investigate what it means to be in an effective relationship with my mind.
Turning Insight Into Growth
It got me thinking—how many of us struggle with our own thoughts but never consider the possibility of changing how we relate to them? We try to fight them, avoid them, or drown them out, thinking that’s the only way to make them go away. But what if the goal isn’t to get rid of those thoughts? What if the real goal lies in connection, understanding, and care?
This isn’t just about my experience. It’s something we can all reflect on. How do you respond when difficult thoughts arise? Do you treat them like an unwelcome intruder, or do you make space to listen to what they’re trying to tell you? The truth is, those thoughts we label as “bad” or “negative” often hold clues about what we’re carrying, where we’ve been, and where we need to grow.
What if, instead of pushing them away, we approached our thoughts with openness, generosity, and yes—even love?
A Call to Reflect
Our relationship with our thinking matters. It shapes how we experience the world, how we respond to challenges, and how we grow. The next time a hard thought surfaces, I challenge you to pause for a moment.
Resist the urge to resist. Instead, ask yourself this:
What is this thought here to offer me? How can I respond with openness? What would it look like to have an effective relationship with my mind right now?
When we stop fighting against ourselves and start showing up with curiosity, kindness, and love, we no longer just survive our inner storms—we grow from them. And that, for me, is what true peace looks like.
Here’s to your greatness,
Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister helps leaders and their team have conversations they keep avoiding but need to have. For nearly 20 years, she has facilitated communication that results in trust, increasing engagement and productivity across generations. Make sure your communication is coming across the way you intend, visit https://www.MistiBurmeister.com