In today’s fast-paced world, navigating professional relationships can be a delicate balancing act, especially for
women who often face the challenge of being assertive without being labeled as “bitchy.” It’s a common concern, and it’s one that deserves careful consideration. One particular coaching client, Rachel, recently shared her struggle with this very issue, prompting a deeper look into how we can communicate effectively while maintaining our integrity.
Standing Your Ground with Grace
Rachel’s experiences are not unique. Many of us find ourselves in situations where we need to stand our ground, whether with vendors who haven’t fulfilled their commitments or employees who aren’t meeting expectations. The trick is to do so in a way that commands respect without throwing daggers.
“How do I come across as more assertive and less bitchy?” Rachel asked me recently.
“Can you give me an example of when this has been a problem?” I replied.
Rachel described several situations involving vendors and employees where she felt she came off as bitchy. One detailed story involved a vendor who hadn’t fulfilled his commitment to deliver goods, despite being paid.
“He has called me four times in the last several weeks to ask if I was going to be in the office,” Rachel shared. “I told him I was here, and then he never showed. It’s so frustrating! I don’t know how to deal with him or poor employee behavior without seeming bitchy.” What she actually meant to say is without reacting defensively. Her frustration is completely understandable, especially considering they’re currently out $10,000 and still without the promised products, 18 months later. I’d be upset too!
The Power of Positive Influence
But here’s the thing: If we approach conversations with our defenses up, we are likely to encounter resistance and negative reactions from the people we aim to influence positively.
This reminds me of a fascinating study conducted by a group researchers years ago. The researchers aimed to immerse themselves in a family of gorillas. Initially, they carried guns for protection and set up camp nearby. Despite months of observation, they made no progress in getting closer to the gorillas. Then, one morning, a particular researcher decided to approach the camp unarmed. To their surprise, the gorillas welcomed the unarmed researcher into their midst. Not only did they allow the researcher to stay close by, but they also invited them into their very camp. This breakthrough allowed the researcher to gather invaluable data previously inaccessible.
Is the Risk Worth the Reward?
Was it risky to leave the gun behind? Absolutely. Gorillas, much like people, are unpredictable. If you scare a gorilla, you’re probably not going to win that fight—and the same principle applies to human interactions. When we enter conversations unguarded, we open ourselves to more positive outcomes.
Often, when approaching challenging situations where uncertainty is high, we are metaphorically armed. Our
shields are up, our minds closed, projecting defensiveness and possibly even hostility. People pick up on this aggressive energy and respond by putting up their own shields, leading to a standstill. However, when we approach others from a place of openness and curiosity, the dynamic changes. If we are patient, compassionate, and understanding, people sense these qualities, relax, and open up.
Achieving Better Results
Many of us mistakenly believe that the only way to get better results from others (or ourselves) is through harshness. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Nobody performs better by being made to feel worse. We perform better when we are made to feel better. Approaching situations with clarity, honesty, and curiosity enables us to find creative solutions.
So next time you face a confrontation, remember this principle. If you notice yourself approaching the situation with tension or hostility, pause and ground yourself. Ask yourself: What do I hope to accomplish through this conversation?
Example: Approaching with Compassion
If Rachel goes to meet with the vendor agitated and ready to prove her point, she will likely be met with defensiveness and be no closer to securing the products she has already paid for. If, on the other hand, Rachel remembers that people (herself included) are doing the best they can with what they have and approaches the conversation with curiosity and compassion, while also keeping to the facts (e.g., signed contracts and promises made), the vendor is likely to put down his guard and get honest about what’s happening. Solutions can then be negotiated.
If our intention is to get them to see things the way we do, to prove that we are right, and to force a solution, our guard might be up. If, on the other hand, we come into the conversation with care and curiosity, the other person is likely to put down their guard and open up to finding a mutually beneficial solution.
Conclusion: Fostering Respect and Collaboration
In our professional lives, the ability to communicate assertively without coming across as defensive is a crucial skill. By approaching conversations with openness, compassion, and a genuine desire to understand, we can foster more productive and positive interactions. Remember, clarity and kindness are not signs of weakness—they are powerful tools for effective communication and leadership.
If you found these insights helpful, please share this post with your colleagues and friends. Let’s continue to support each other in navigating the complexities of assertiveness and professional relationships. Together, we can create a work environment where respect and collaboration thrive.
Here’s to your greatness,
Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister has been facilitating communication that results in trust and connection for nearly 20 years, increasing engagement and productivity across generations. Make sure your communication is coming across the way you intend, visit https://www.MistiBurmeister.com