In the bustling atmosphere of a crowded bar, my friends and I found ourselves squished around a tall table, trying to catch up over drinks. As the wait person approached to take our order, I attempted to get my friends’ attention. “He’s trying to take our order,” I said, a statement that would soon have me reflecting on the nuances of today’s social landscape.
“What?” my friend Peggy asked, slightly puzzled.
“He’s trying to take our drink order… What do you want?” I repeated, only to feel a surge of uncertainty. It
dawned on me that I wasn’t sure if our wait person was a he or she. I leaned back, scrutinizing their appearance for clues—a bra strap, shaved legs—anything that might guide my assumptions. But the more I searched, the more uncomfortable I felt. I feared I might have offended them with my assumption.
I whispered to Peggy, “Is that a female or male?”
“I always just use they/them when I don’t know,” she replied casually.
Her response was simple yet profound, highlighting an ease in navigating a situation that left me feeling unsure. This interaction reminded me of my own experiences as a gay woman, understanding firsthand the challenges straight people sometimes face when engaging with me about my marriage and lifestyle. While these conversations can be uncomfortable, they are pivotal. It’s those who seek understanding create space for healing and leave me feeling hope for the various textures of humanity.
When our wait person returned, standing just inches away, I seized the opportunity to rectify my earlier oversight. With a mix of courage and respect, I asked, “What is your preferred pronoun?”
“They/them,” they replied, visibly appreciative. “Thank you so much for asking.”
This simple exchange taught me a valuable lesson about navigating new social norms. The introduction of these norms isn’t the issue; rather, it’s the uncertainty of not knowing the new rules or how to navigate them successfully that can be daunting. This lack of familiarity often leads to resistance, making us hesitant to embrace change altogether.
However, regardless of our own gender identity or sexual orientation, we owe it to ourselves and others to engage genuinely and openly. It’s through these interactions that we learn to see people more clearly, fostering a deeper understanding and love for one another. When we let fear of making mistakes hinder us, we miss out on opportunities for growth and connection. 
Change, though often uncomfortable, is a constant. Embracing it with openness and curiosity can lead to a more inclusive and understanding world. By learning about and adapting to new norms, we can transform uncertainty into successful interactions. As we continue to navigate this evolving social landscape, let’s strive to learn from our experiences and use them as a foundation for a more empathetic and kind future. Remember, it’s okay to feel uncertain, but engaging positively with change is crucial for personal and collective growth.
Here’s to your greatness,
Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister helps leaders and their team have conversations they keep avoiding but need to have. For nearly 20 years, she has facilitated communication that results in trust, increasing engagement and productivity across generations. Make sure your communication is coming across the way you intend, visit https://www.MistiBurmeister.com