What happened when I stopped pretending to listen—and what it taught me about being present.
Last night, my friend Maya was talking to me about a difficult conversation she needs to have with someone on her team. It’s one of those situations where emotions, expectations, and trust are all in the mix. The stakes were high—she was hoping for an outcome where this team member would take accountability and shift his behavior.
What had happened? He had shared information from a leadership meeting with one of his peers—something that was meant to stay confidential. Understandably, Maya was upset and unsure how to address it.
As she started talking, my brain wandered. I floated into thoughts about my own day—work, people, loose ends—until suddenly, I realized: I wasn’t listening. At all.
There were a lot of characters in Maya’s story, and I was having a hard time keeping track of who did what. My attention bailed. I was mentally absent—until I remembered that she was going to look to me for guidance when she was done talking.
I had a choice in that moment. I could fake it. Nod, say “yeah,” hope she didn’t notice. Or I could be honest.
So I said:
“Start from the top. I wasn’t listening.”
She was annoyed, understandably. But she started again.
This time, I locked in. I repeated names. I asked questions. I worked to keep the characters and events straight. At one point, she got frustrated with my questions—but I explained, “I really want to understand what you’re dealing with.” That helped. She slowed down. I zoomed in.
As I got a clearer picture, something shifted. I could actually relate to this team member. Given the recent layoffs at their company, maybe he was trying to build trust with his peer—offering them a sense of inclusion. Not the best judgment, but understandable.
I asked Maya what questions she might ask to open the conversation. She said, “I don’t know.” So I offered a few. She said, “No, not that.” I asked, “Okay—then
what?” And just like that, she found her way in.
She decided to open with empathy—acknowledging that he probably shared the info because he cares about his colleague. That insight changed everything. The conversation she needed to have wouldn’t start with accusation, but with understanding. And from that place, the door to real accountability opens wider.
The Real Work of Listening
- Catching Yourself
I wasn’t listening. I owned it. That’s hard—but pretending you’re present when you’re not is worse. It erodes trust. Admitting it rebuilt ours. - Repeating and Relating
Asking questions and repeating details is how I got anchored. It helped me track the story and stay connected to what mattered most to Maya. - Staying Through the Friction
It’s tempting to check out again when the other person gets frustrated. But holding steady, staying with them, matters more than saying the perfect thing. - Listening as a Mirror
In the end, I didn’t give Maya a solution. She found it herself. My job was to reflect her experience back, to hold up a mirror until her clarity came.
Listening isn’t passive. It’s an active, sometimes messy, fully present kind of work. It requires humility, attention, and a willingness to get it wrong—then make it right.
If you want to be a better friend, partner, teammate, or leader—don’t just aim to hear people. Aim to understand them. And if you drift off? It’s okay.
Just say:
Start from the top. I’m here now.
Final Thought: Listening Is a Choice We Keep Making
It would’ve been easier to nod and fake it. It would’ve been easier to stay in my own head. But real listening asks for more—not perfection, but presence.
That night with Maya reminded me:
Listening isn’t about having the right advice.
It’s about having the right attention.
It’s the quiet decision to put your ego down, lean in, and make space for someone else’s truth—even when it’s messy, even when your mind wants to run.
So the next time you find yourself drifting mid-conversation—catch it.
Name it.
Come back.
Here’s to your greatness,
Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister is an award-winning executive coach and high-performance facilitator with 20+ years of experience helping organizations tackle complex people challenges to drive growth and cultural transformation. Known for her ability to ignite engagement and improve communication, she has guided countless leaders in motivating excellence and building thriving, productive teams.