Have you ever found yourself so caught up in frustration with a colleague or team member that you missed the
chance to turn it into a moment of growth? It’s a feeling many of us can relate to, and it’s exactly what Janet and I were discussing over coffee. As she shared a recent experience with one of her employees, it became clear that what started as a small instance of irritation turned into a powerful lesson about leadership, communication, and seizing teaching moments.
Here’s what happened.
A customer sent in a last-minute request—a big one. The kind of request that Janet’s team simply couldn’t fulfill because they needed several weeks to complete the related process. The customer, however, was giving them just two days.
The team was already under a lot of pressure with other projects, and this request sent them over the edge. That’s when Maria, one of Janet’s employees, responded to the customer with an email that read, “Thanks for the short notice!” The emphasis on “short” wasn’t subtle, nor was the tone. It was snippy and unprofessional.
Janet saw the email and was floored. “We never speak to customers that way,” she told me, still visibly rattled as she reflected. Knowing she needed to intervene, Janet quickly jumped in, writing a professional response to the 
customer herself, cc’ing Maria.
She apologized for any misunderstanding and politely explained their process, clarifying that while they valued the customer’s business, fulfilling such a request on such short notice wasn’t realistic. It was a balancing act—managing expectations without damaging the relationship. Janet handled it with care, but Maria’s response lingered in her mind.
The next day, Janet brought it up during her one-on-one with Maria. Calm but clearly upset, she asked, “Maria, why would you respond to a customer like that!?” Maria looked taken aback and replied, “Oh, I thought the email was from my colleague, not the customer.”
If Janet had been frustrated before, this explanation only added to it. You thought it was coming from a teammate, so it was okay to be rude? Really?
“It’s not okay to talk to an internal customer—your teammate—that way, either,” Janet shot back. She was firm, but there was no mistaking the frustration in her voice. Determined to make her point, Janet added, “You’re going to take a customer service training class to learn how to handle these situations better.”
When she finished recounting the story to me, I listened carefully and then gently asked her a question. “Janet, quick thought—if a customer behaved in the same way Maria did, would you have spoken to them the same way you spoke to Maria?”
“Of course not!” she said, almost offended by the suggestion. “We treat customers with respect. I would never speak to a customer like that.”
I smiled softly. “Interesting,” I said. “How about your internal customer?” 
She sat back in her seat as she took in the realization that she had been asking for different behavior than she had been modeling. Of course, Janet wasn’t wrong to address Maria’s behavior—it absolutely needed to be addressed. But what she missed was an invaluable teaching moment.
I continued, “Maria’s email tells us something important—she doesn’t understand the value of respectful communication within the team. To her, it seemed okay to be dismissive of a colleague’s request. This was the perfect opportunity to coach her, to help her see how internal communication is just as important as what we send to customers.”
Janet’s frustration with Maria’s tone was valid, but her response to it missed the mark. The issue wasn’t just about one poorly written email—it was a signal of something deeper. Maria didn’t just need correction. She needed context, guidance, and leadership to understand why respectful communication matters at all levels.
Imagine the kind of trust and culture Janet could have fostered if she had said something like, “It seems like we all have some learning to do here… let’s go take some training together.”
Leadership isn’t just about fixing what’s wrong. It’s about teaching what’s possible. What if instead of reacting, Janet leaned in and asked some questions about beliefs pertaining to the way we speak and interact with colleagues? Conversations like these help turn mistakes into moments of growth.
Janet nodded as she reflected on my words. “You’re right,” she admitted. “I was so wrapped up in my frustration that I missed the bigger picture.”
The truth is, how we speak to our teams during their missteps says more about us than it does about them. Modeling curiosity instead of contempt, patience instead of irritation—those are the behaviors that create lasting impact.
Janet and I finished our session by brainstorming how she could approach situations like this differently in the future. She came away committed to stepping back, asking more questions, and using moments of frustration as opportunities to coach and connect.
The lesson here is simple—our frustrations as leaders are often signals of something we need to teach. And when we choose to lead with empathy instead of judgment, we don’t just correct behavior. We transform it.
To every leader reading this, here’s my challenge to you. The next time a team member falls short, ask yourself
this—what do they need to learn here? More importantly, how can I teach it in a way that builds trust, respect, and growth? Because great leadership isn’t about managing frustration. It’s about seizing the teaching moment hiding within it.
Here’s to your greatness,
Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister helps leaders and their team have conversations they keep avoiding but need to have. For nearly 20 years, she has facilitated communication that results in trust, increasing engagement and productivity across generations. Make sure your communication is coming across the way you intend, visit https://www.MistiBurmeister.com