There is usually a moment when it happens.It is not dramatic, and it rarely gets spoken out loud. But internally, 
something shifts. A frustrating interaction, a missed expectation, a conversation that goes nowhere—and somewhere beneath the surface, a conclusion forms: This person is the problem.
From that point on, the relationship changes. Curiosity narrows. Patience shortens. Instead of asking what might be true, we begin gathering evidence to confirm what we already believe. And while nothing may be said directly, something important has already been lost. We’ve stopped seeing them clearly.
I understand this moment because I have lived on both sides of it. When I was fourteen, I walked into a new high school carrying a label: “problem“. My mom sat across from the principal and explained all of it—every issue, every concern, every reason I might not succeed.
He listened. Fully. Then he leaned back and said, “I think your daughter is quite normal. And I think she will do just fine here.” That moment changed my life. Not because everything became easy, but because someone chose not to write me off. He saw something beyond my behavior. And because of that, I began to see it too.
Most leaders don’t realize when they’ve made the opposite decision. No one intends to give up on someone. It happens gradually. Frustration builds, and curiosity is replaced by certainty. Instead of asking What’s really going on here? we assume we already know.
This is where leadership gets expensive. Because behavior is rarely the whole story. Underperformance, defensiveness, or disengagement are often signals—not just problems. Sometimes the issue is unclear expectations. Sometimes it’s a
skill gap, unspoken tension, or fear of getting it wrong. And sometimes the leader is carrying so much pressure that they can no longer see clearly.
Strong leadership requires the willingness to look beneath the surface—not to excuse behavior, but to understand it well enough to change it. Writing someone off is often a shortcut around that work. It is easier to label someone than to lead them. But once we decide who someone is, we stop engaging with who they might become. We also change how we show up. We communicate less clearly or less directly. We avoid conversations or have them with an edge. And the team feels it. Over time, that shift doesn’t just affect one person—it shapes the culture.
The strongest leaders I work with don’t ignore difficult behavior, but they also don’t rush to conclusions. Before they 
decide what to do about someone, they pause and ask:
- What might I be missing?
- What hasn’t been said clearly?
- What conversation am I avoiding?
Often, the conversation that hasn’t happened is the one that would change everything. That doesn’t mean every situation can be repaired. There are times when expectations have been clear, support has been given, and nothing changes. In those cases, letting someone go may be the right decision.
But there is a difference between letting someone go from clarity and writing someone off from frustration. One is leadership. The other is reaction. Before you write someone off, pause long enough to ask:
- What am I seeing—and what am I assuming?
- What hasn’t been said?
- What needs to be clarified?
Because leadership is not just about deciding who stays and who goes. It’s about how you show up before that decision is made. People don’t rise because they’re managed well. They rise when they are seen clearly, challenged directly, and led with intention.
That’s what was given to me. And it’s what leaders have the opportunity to give every day—if they’re willing to slow
down long enough to see what others miss.
Here’s to your greatness,
Misti Burmeister
About Misti Burmeister
Misti Burmeister is an executive leadership coach, keynote speaker, and bestselling author who helps leaders communicate so people care and take ownership. Through Inspirion, she helps executives and teams navigate difficult conversations, strengthen trust, and recognize the internal reactions that undermine effective leadership. Her current body of work, Before the Reaction, explores how awareness in the moments before we respond creates greater clarity, choice, and connection.
Explore a speaking engagement or leadership conversation at MistiBurmeister.com or email [email protected].